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~~13 February 2004
ZERO GRAVITY
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $2 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures that ranged from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Enjoy paying your taxes ..... they're due again.
~~23 September 2003
The Baptist Dog
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.
The owner brought the dog to meet the preacher and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The preacher and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed.
One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"
"I haven't tried yet," the preacher replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "Heel!" the preacher commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher's forehead and began to howl.
The preacher looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!"
~~2 September 2003
The following are excerpts from church bulletins nationwide. Who needs professional comedians when everyday folks are just as humorous? (Note: You have to read this carefully to catch the funniest mistakes.)
Preach it!
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Suffer the little children
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The eighth-graders will be presenting shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Sunday School: Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.
The Power of Prayer
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
After the worship service...
This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
Announcement in a church bulletin for a national Prayer and Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting &Prayer Conference includes meals."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Ladies, Ladies
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Choir Practice
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
The rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Which Door Do I Use?
The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Members of the Congregation
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
No Good Deed Will Go Unpunished
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Watch Out for Those Potlucks
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. Prayer and medication to follow.
How Much Money Should I Give?
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
~~16 August 2003
Coffeemate
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee"
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and shows him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says "HEBREWS"
~~9 August 2003
I Love My Job...I Love My Job....
Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma
with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats
it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit.
This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I
was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if
you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
~~9 February 2003
Business Advertising
A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA
TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"
Doesn't that just make you see red???
This sign was prominently displayed in the window
of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this
business... And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement. . . We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . And after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer: A Funeral Home
31 January 2003
Marriages are made in Heaven, but so is thunder and lightning
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not
saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the
husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep", the wife replied, "in-laws".
~~25 January 2003
A Letter Home from a Young Farmer
Dear Ma and Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs
to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they get warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice,
cereal, eggs, bacon,etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys athome. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get word of this setup and come stampeding in.
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